Why we aren’t forcing hugs

We’ve all been there: that awkward moment when our kid seems so apprehensive to give someone a hug, but we instantly blurt out, “Oh, go give Aunt Sally a hug!” And if we’re being honest, we may even be a little embarrassed that our kid was hesitant in the first place. We know our friends and relatives are coming from a loving place and are just excited to see our little ones, and the last thing we want is our kids coming off as unkind or inconsiderate. 

Because of this, we’ve found ourselves forcing our kids to hug or kiss so we don’t risk hurting anyone’s feelings. But it turns out that forced affection doesn’t teach kindness; instead, it teaches our kids not to trust their instincts. And really, it’s not our kid’s job to be uncomfortable so that an adult doesn’t get their feelings hurt. 

We want our children to get the message that they are in control of their own bodies. We want them to know they can – and should – make decisions based on their own comfort level. Making sure they aren’t guilted into physical contact helps them establish boundaries and will keep them safe in the long run. 

So, how do we teach this? Here are few tips: 

• Teach your child how to assert their boundaries in a polite way and show warmth using their words only. This might sound like, “I’m excited to see you, but I don’t want to give any hugs right now.”
• Prepare your kid for the fact that someone might be disappointed when they hear “no” from them and remind them that that’s okay. 
• Point out when others are showing discomfort with physical contact. This might sound like, “Do you see how Alex is pulling away? I don’t think she wants to be touched right now.”
• Have your child make a picture or card for a relative before going to a family function. When they come in for a kiss or hug, say something like, “It looks like Noah needs some space right now, but he brought you this picture that he’s excited to share.”
• If someone says “Come give me a hug!”, you can say to your child, “Would you like to give them a hug or would you rather smile or wave?”
• Teach your child that high fives, fist bumps, or just a pleasant “hi” work great as greetings, too. 

We’ve found it so rewarding to teach our kids about setting up boundaries and listening to what their bodies tell them. We talk a lot about raising our kids to be intuitive, and physical contact is no exception!

Sources:

• https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/why-you-shouldnt-force-your-kids-to-hug-relatives/
• https://www.verywellfamily.com/why-you-shouldnt-make-your-child-hug-anyone-1095081#:~:text=When%20a%20child%20feels%20forced,likely%20to%20be%20sexually%20abused.