From a developmental standpoint, tantrums are completely normal: they are actually an opportunity for toddlers to learn to process emotion and build resilience.
From a developmental standpoint, tantrums are completely normal: they are actually an opportunity for toddlers to learn to process emotion and build resilience. All toddlers have very, very big feelings, and it’s our reaction to these big feelings that will determine how long and how frequent the tantrums are. With that in mind, it’s important that we, as parents and caregivers, are doing everything we can to stay calm, cool, and collected when these big feelings hit.
It’s important to stay even-keeled for two reasons. First, toddlers love consistency and calm, and they need that most when they are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. And second, your patience and attentiveness will make them feel safe and understood. Here are some tips for keeping your cool when your kid is mid-meltdown:
Ok, so how do you tackle a tantrum in real time? Let’s set the stage: your child just sat down for a meal, and they say that they want to pour their water cup upside down. You explain that water stays in the cup at the table. They reach for the water cup anyways and you quickly reach in to remove the cup. They erupt into “Nooooooo, I want my cuppppppp” and then throw their body back and scream. Sound familiar?
To the parent or caregiver, this reaction is 100% irrational: we communicated a rule, they didn’t listen, and now they’re upset with the consequence. In response, we usually go one of three places:
But– what if we told you that each of these responses will mean longer and more frequent tantrums in the future? The problem is that each of the above responses does not actually teach your child to regulate their emotions. It may shorten the tantrum in the moment, but in the long run, your child won’t know what to do the next time their big feelings hit.
That’s why it’s important to identify and validate their feelings and help them actually process the emotion, all while holding the boundary. You might say:
If your child is screaming, get eye-level, stay close, and say, “I can’t hear you right now, but when your body calms down, Mommy is here to help you.”
Below are some of our top strategies for tackling tantrums:
Here are the strategies from above applied to real-life scenarios (because, if you’re like us, you learn best from concrete examples!)
If your kid is having a tantrum over leaving the park:
Or a tantrum over being in the car seat:
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