How do we help our children feel whole? Let them feel incomplete.

By: Jennie Monness 

From the day our children are born, we, as parents, do everything in our power to make our kids feel good, to make sure they lead “happy” lives. The thought of them feeling anything except happiness is unbearable. And this makes sense: we love these people with every fiber of our existence and want “what’s best” for them. But let’s really think about “what’s best.” Is feeling only happiness best? Until when? Can we really keep up with making sure they always feel good? 

We know our child will eventually feel emotional pain in some shape or form. Maybe it’s frustration over a tower that they are trying to build or a puzzle they can’t figure out. As parents, we all dread the day when they’re picked last for a game, when someone leaves them out of the “cool crowd,” or when they aren’t invited to the party everyone else is invited to. 

I grew up with a mom who was truly the most loving you could ever imagine – and she still is! I remember experiencing all of these things at some point: feeling left out, being teased, not being picked for the cheerleading squad, etc. I also remember my mom doing everything in her power to “fix” those moments for me. I thought and still think she’s a hero for all of it. 

But the time came when she couldn’t be there to fix things for me. She couldn’t get me an invite to the coolest party on campus, and she couldn’t work at the school store so that when the boys teased me for being flat-chested, I could just run to her for a hug. 

My freshman year of college, I felt hurt by a friend, so my mom called her. I’ll never forget how embarrassed I was. Not because of her, but because I didn’t know how else to stop hurting without her there. She usually fixed things for me and I didn’t know how to work through it without her.

Now that I’m a mother to children of my own, I understand my mom’s instincts better than ever. But when we swoop in to fix hurt feelings for our kids, we end up standing in the way of them learning to tolerate and work through hurt feelings. What is actually more helpful to our children is not to fix the things that gave rise to the pain, but to instead encourage our kids to reflect on their negative feelings. Not only that, but perhaps open up conversation around these feelings and the self talk they stir up. This way, children learn to literally talk themselves through it. It can sound something like “it really hurt when my friend did XYZ, it sort of makes me think XYZ about myself, but I remember that it probably means that my friend is feeling a certain way, which doesn’t mean it’s really about me.”

Here are some things we can do to help our children grow up feeling whole even when hurt comes their way:

When your child gets teased by another child. 

“I’m sure that didn’t feel good to hear that. How did that feel?”

“Why do you think that person said that?”

“How do you feel about yourself? Do you think that what they said is true? Why or why not?”

The purpose is not to talk your child out of the hurt, but to get them to have internal conversations with themselves the next time they are hurt. Questions like these help them to reflect on what emotions may be behind the other person’s behavior and to realize that what other people say does not change who they are inside or how they should feel about themselves.

When your child wants what another child has.

“I hear you, you want that backpack.”

“What do you love about that backpack that is different from the one that you have?”

“How do you think it will feel once you have it? Will it change anything about you?”

You never have to say whether your child is going to get this backpack. Instead, focus on the feeling of wanting what someone else has. Thinking about what your child does have and the gap between the two. What is this gap from? What is behind it? Is it an authentic desire for something? Or is your child struggling with comparison and feeling “less than”? 

When your child feels left out or isn’t invited to the party.

“That must feel really hard. Let’s think about why you may not have been invited.”

“Some people can only have a certain amount of friends at their parties. You know that whether you are at that party or not, you are still you.” 

These questions focus on how this party does not take away from our child’s positive internal qualities and can help our kids develop an internal voice that says “I am whole despite feeling hard things.” 

We know we can’t banish bad feelings from our children’s lives, no matter how hard we try. But we can give them the tools they need to process hurt on their own. 

Hungry for more? Check out our episode with Jennie Monness of Union Square Play on tackling comparison, jealousy, and lying!